For a long time, I thought my son was just having tantrums.
That’s what everyone called them.
That’s what the parenting articles said.
That’s what I wanted to believe– because tantrums mean there’s a solution.
If it’s a tantrum, you can reason.
Redirect. Stay consistent.
But what Jonathan was experiencing wasn’t a tantrum.
And I wish I had known that sooner.
His Cries Were Never “Normal”
Jonathan has always cried and fussed more than other children– especially in loud or unfamiliar environments. But these weren’t the kind of cries that build and then fade.
They were inconsolable.
Once they started, they could not be stopped.
Over time, those cries escalated:
- Crying turned into spitting
- Spitting turned in hitting his head with his palm
- Dragging himself on the ground
- Head banging
- Aggression toward us
His body would stiffen.
His eyes would change.
It felt like he was trapped inside something he couldn’t escape.
The Triggers Everyone Told Me Were “Normal”
People love to say, “All toddlers do this.”
But here’s what triggered Jonathan:
- Loud or overstimulating environments
- Change in routine
- Clothes he didn’t like
- Not getting his way
- And especially– us not understanding what he was trying to communicate
These moments weren’t about control.
They were about overload.
And the hardest part?
He doesn’t show this behavior at daycare.
Not at all.
Daycare says he’s fine.
No issues.
No aggression.
No meltdowns.
Which means he holds everything together all day– and releases it at home.
If you know, you know: daycare days are the hardest days.
Everything We tried Made It Worse
We tried everything you’re “ supposed” to do:
- Reasoning
- Redirecting
- Holding him
- Giving in
- Staying consistent
Every article says, “Just keep it up.”
But when your child is in a meltdown, none of that works.
Sometimes, it makes it worse.
And that’s the part no one prepares you for.
My Lowest Moment (So Far)
Yesterday, Jonathan hit me at the grocery store.
In public.
In front of people.
I want to disappear.
I could feel the looks.
The judgment.
The unspoken thoughts:
She can’t control her child.
That kid needs discipline.
What kind of parent lets this happen?
I held it together long enough to get us out.
And then we went home.
What Hit Me Once We Got Home
Once we were home– once the lights were quieter, the noise was gone, and Jonathan finally settled– I replayed the whole thing in my head.
And I realized something.
He wasn’t being defiant.
He wasn’t trying to hurt me.
He was overwhelmed.
The lights.
The sounds.
The people.
The movement.
The expectations.
The pressure of being understood when he couldn’t communicate what he needed.
His body wasn’t misbehaving.
It was protecting itself.
The Difference I Wish I Had Understood Sooner
This is what I wish someone had explained to me earlier:
A tantrum is about wanting something.
A meltdown is about surviving something.
Tantrums:
- Have a goal
- Stop when the want is met
- The child can still engage
Meltdowns:
- Are involuntary
- Come from sensory or emotional overload
- Cannot be reasoned away
- Take time to recover from
Jonathan isn’t choosing this.
His nervous system is reacting.
The “Safest Person” Explanation That Changed My Perspective
I recently heard someone explain something that stopped me in my tracks.
They said that some children– especially neurodivergent children– direct their biggest behaviors toward the person they feel safest with.
At first, that was hard to hear.
Because when your child hits you, it doesn’t feel like trust.
But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.
When a child’s brain goes into fight-or-flight , it isn’t thinking about rules or consequences.
It’s looking for safety.
For some kids, the safest place isn’t a quiet corner.
It’s a person.
When Jonathan is overwhelmed and his communication breaks down, his body reacts before his brain can catch up. And in those moments, he runs towards the person he trusts will still be there– even when things fall apart.
That doesn’t make hitting okay.
But it explains why it happens where it does.
Understanding With out Excusing
The distinction matters:
Explanation is not permission.
Understanding why my child hits does not mean I allow it.
Hitting still get a boundary:
“I won’t let you hit me.”
But it also gets understanding:
“I know your body is having a hard time.”
Both can exist at the same time.
I can protect myself and support my child.
Why It Shows Up At Home
This is also why so many kids hold it together all day and unravel at home.
Daycare requires constant regulation:
- Managing noise
- Following expectations
- Processing social demards
Home is where the mask comes off.
Home is where it finally feels safe enough to fall apart.
Looking Back With New Eyes
When I look back now– at the crying that couldn’t be stopped, the stiff body, the head hitting, the aggression– I don’t see “bad behavior.”
I see a child who feels the world louder, brighter, and heavier than most.
And I see a parent who was trying everything she was told would work…
even when it didn’t.
Understanding this didn’t magically fix everything.
But it changed how I see my son.
And it changed how I see myself.
If This Sounds Like Your Child
If your child:
- Melts down only at home
- Escalates instead of calming
- Seems unreachable during episodes
- Needs a long recovery time
Please hear this:
You are not a bad parent.
You are not weak.
And your child is not broken.
Some kids feel the world differently.
And they need understanding– not judgement.
What I Wish I Could Tell Every Parent Standing in the Store Crying
You are doing your best.
Your child is doing their best.
And sometimes, surviving the moment is enough.
I didn’t understand the difference between tantrums and meltdowns sooner.
But now that I do–
I see my son more clearly.
And I give myself more grace too.